Need help? Have a burning question? Too embarrassed to talk to your family and friends? Be advised my advice is simply advice. It's sometimes motivational and other times sarcastic and brutally honest. What you do with it is your choice. It's available to you because I enjoy helping others. I want to turn a negative into a positive. Family and friends often make life's situations worse than they are when all you need is guidance and support during a confusing time. I believe our souls have a strength and power far beyond our wildest dreams. Through sharing we learn. Anything goes...dating, relationships, sex, money, spirituality, friendships, family, gossip, fashion, entertainment, etc. If you have a burning question, a complex situation that you need help analyzing, or a random concern, then write me. I can't promise my advice will be what you want to hear but it can be eye-opening and life changing. You may not be able to afford a psychologist so I will do my best. At least my advice is free so why not give it a try?
Angel's Advice
Asked by Idette
I'm ten years older than my daughter's father. I'm 31, I have an 8 month old beautiful little girl, but her father seems to be very insecure about our relationship. He doesn't trust me. He thinks when I'm at work that I'm cheating on him. I found out that he was writing to a young woman on Facebook . When I ask him he flipped out, mind you I have never done anything to make him think or assume that I'm cheating, yet he blames me for doing so. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I want to work it out for the sake of my baby but he's really getting me to the point where I want to leave.
Angel's Advice:
First off let me apologize for my delayed response to this question. My best friend just had a little baby girl so I have been busy helping her. Little daughters are such a bundle of joy and I'm sure you know that since you recently had one. As for your situation, if I were a parent the most important thing to me would be raising my child with integrity, respect and love. I would want to set an example that love is good and although relationships take work, with trust and a strong connection couple-hood can be wonderful. According to your story, you don't have this kind of partnership. He is doing shady stuff by contacting a young woman on Facebook. It seems he might be experimenting with/ or with the idea of cheating and then placing the focus and blame on you by insinuating that you are cheating. Living with an insecure man means living with someone who will always question what you are doing and why. He will need constant confirmation that you are all his. I get that you have never given him reason to believe you have strayed. That doesn't matter. In his head, you have that potential so it seems to me you are not trusted no matter how innocent you are. Leaving is a tough decision but I would consider it because constantly being blamed for something as big as cheating when you are not doing it is a huge red flag in a relationship. Now if he is amazing in every other aspect of your relationship, then maybe this area just needs a little nurturing or guidance from a therapist. However if it feels like it isn't right then trust your instincts. Walk away so you can find a loving man who will treat you with respect and set a much better example in front of your precious baby girl.
Asked by Worried Mom
My husband and I have been battling with the same situation for years and it isn't getting any better. I will tell you the situation as best I can, if you need more information, please ask. Our son will be 16 in August. Starting Kindergarten, he didn't want to go to school. He failed 2nd grade and is pretty much failing 9th grade. He always comes home with D's & F's. He tries to hide his grades from us but I am in constant contact with his teachers, I always have been. When we ask him why his grades are so bad, the reasons he gives us are, "I don't like school, I don't understand the work, I don't care and I'm going to fail anyway.” I have looked at his latest progress report and he had seven "zeros" because he doesn't turn in any work. We have had him in learning centers, tutors and after school programs. We had him tested for a learning disability. In my opinion, watching the testing that took place, he answered questions to where he knew the doctor would say he had a disability. This form of testing is for his eyes, not his brain. The questions he asked the doctor concerning his disability were not, "Will my school work improve?" but instead, “Will I be able to see better when I ride my ATV or will my shooting be more accurate when I go hunting with my dad?" We have tried EVERY discipline method imaginable, from sitting in his room, to no TV, to extra studying, no gaming and no friends. We have even taken his elaborate wardrobe & many shoe collections away from him. This character of his is not only at school. He has daily chores: clean room, feed pets, empty garbage, and vacuum pool once a week; hardly anything too strenuous in my opinion. He has to be reminded on a daily basis to do his chores. I am so tired and mentally exhausted from his antics, that I am so close to not caring anymore. I DO NOT want to end up like that, “How do I make him care about his grades and future?”
Angel's Advice:
I can see your frustration here and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to deal with this on a daily basis. There is an underlying reason your child is continuing to fail. A lack of confidence possibly in achieving even a “C” in school so why bother. He would rather be yelled at and punished than study and possibly still fail. He is getting something out of this. Maybe the constant nagging and attention you and your husband give by taking things away here and there is satisfying his need for love. Maybe he is depressed, has a disorder or realizes he is way behind in school compared to other kids so he is unmotivated to try. It seems you have attempted a bunch of punishments but since you never really stuck with any one of them long enough for him to take you seriously, he could care less when you take his shoes because well, he will have them back in a week when he bugs you enough about it. If this were my child, there would be no ATV’s or hunting with Dad. He would not be attending fun family vacations or outings like birthday parties and movie nights until his grades improved. There would be no allowance unless chores were complete and no video games, TV or friends over until grades improved and stayed improved. If he wants those things, he has to do well in school each week to earn them – much like a job. If he plans to hang with friends on Saturday and Sunday then he has to turn in all assignments completed during the week with at least a “C” average. Once you get confirmation from the teachers then he gets the freedom for only that weekend to hang out with friends. As for the things he loves most: hunting, ATV’s, gaming and more – those privileges would only be given with a report card that has “C’s” or above (or a 2.0 average, whatever you are willing to settle for). Make a poster and put a copy of it in his room to show your expectations. Remind him the importance of education, fill him up with love and support and ask him everyday what he needs from you and Dad to help achieve what’s expected of him. Find a psychologist immediately who has a great track record of working with failing students. This is not something you invest in for a few meetings but more like a year of regular weekly visits. If your son has this behavior because of a harmful past experience he needs to discuss that. Molestation, bullying in school, drug use or depression can be things he is haunted with but unwilling to discuss with you. If his expectation for himself is this low, he clearly has no love for himself and you should investigate why that is. Until he has respect for himself and his future, and understands what role a good education plays in that future, this problem will not go away. Stop at nothing or this might end badly. You will have to do a lot of work here and not give up on him. The parents influence, patience and consistency are most important. Initially your job will be harder than his. He will be mad, say things that will hurt you and you will want to fight back. I encourage you not to fight back. Stick to your plan, be consistent for at least eight months to a year without giving up on any of your expectations or requirements of him and see what happens. Remind him that to earn freedom to do things on weekends like hang with friends or watch TV, means he must complete his schoolwork during the week, finish his chore list and have attended his weekly therapy appointment. Be specific with him. You at least have to get him educated enough to graduate or pass the GED. If he is going to live under your roof he must graduate and if after graduation he doesn’t want to go to college then know he’s 18 and that decision is OK. In the meantime, while he is under age and your responsibility, it’s your rules. Be consistent with your plan, support and love him even though he has failed you in t he past, and get him some regular psychological help immediately. Hopefully, he turns around, begins appreciating your praise and love and makes it out of high school. If you hit rock bottom after eight months to a year of attempting this and see no improvement whatsoever then ship him off to a military prep school or boarding school. Inform him that he has eight months to a year to show improvement or he will be sent away for school. Maybe if he has to follow the disciplinary rules of a school without Mom and Dad there to bail him out he will turn over a new leaf. Good luck and do keep in touch. I wish you and your husband all the best.
Asked by Worried Friend, Ia
My friend recently lost her virginity to this guy and she has a false dream that she will marry the guy she lost her virginity to. The guy is a player. He goes away for work and is in Alaska right now. Since he has been gone she has been sleeping around. She was with a guy for a while but left him after they had sex because he couldn’t please her. Then she began messing with his friends. She gets jealous of our other girlfriend because she gets in relationships instead of just sleeping with guys. Recently she slept with this guy who lives with his girlfriend and is pregnant with his baby. We have all told her she needs to stop sleeping around. To top it all off, she just got the shot and now thinks she can “do it” without protection. I don’t know how else to tell her what she is doing is wrong and that she will not find love by sleeping around. How can I help her see what she is doing?
Angel's Advice:
My assumption is your friend is sleeping around and not looking for love because she has this dream of marrying the guy she lost her virginity to. Since she is not looking for love she is being promiscuous and not caring who she hurts in the process. Unfortunately you can’t help anyone SEE that what they are doing is wrong. You can express that you don’t support it or you can end your friendship because you don’t approve. However, you can tell her until you are blue in the face that she is screwing up and should stop, but if she feels OK with her behavior, your judgments and concern won’t stop her. The sad part of this story is she is truly putting herself at risk. By being easy and this sexually open she is at risk for STD’s, pregnancy, rape and abuse by men. She is playing with fire and chances are she will have to learn the hard way. She must not have a good relationship with her father or other men in her life. If she wants a good relationship in the future she will have to make many changes to overcome this awful habit of sleeping around. Being this careless with sex never ends well. The only other possibility is she is a sex addict. TIme will tell. I wish you and your girlfriends much luck managing your friendship with her. It will not be easy.
Asked by Hurt, Ia
I am 22 and I have an amazing 4 yr old son. It has been almost a year since his dad and I broke up. It happened when an old friend and I started to hang out again. I could see that there was something between my boyfriend and her. He would get defensive when I asked about it and mad at me when I would get upset or say something to his sister. He claimed they were “just friends.” One day he went to go take her to school, (I was nice enough to let him take my car and use my gas to drive 20 minutes away, never getting refunded for fuel). While he was gone, I checked his Myspace message since he left it logged on. I saw that he was talking to his step brother and admitted to sleeping with her. I confronted him and a day later we broke up. I couldn’t believe this girl that I had known since I was four, someone I would do anything for and who I called a best friend - would do this to me. I even gave her a chance to say something to me and she didn’t. We are no longer friends. Now, almost a year later, they are still together. She was pregnant 2 months after we broke up so there is another child involved. I have to deal with seeing them when he comes to get my son and hearing my son talk about her. I never say anything bad about it. How does one get through things like this? I don’t want to be with him but I’m still hurt and upset over the situation. What can I do to get over it and heal? How do I even think about ever being in another healthy relationship?
Angel's Advice:
Unfortunately situations like this happen all the time. We get disappointed by the people we love most and it seems impossible to heal the wounds. What's important is you realized you don’t want to be with this man. Chasing him or trying to make him love you would be a huge mistake. Not remaining friends with your old girlfriend is wise because she can’t be trusted so why bother? The best you can do is always put forth effort to be considerate in front of your child and not trash talk the other parental figures. These people are a part of your life no matter what you do so be respectful to the ex boyfriend and friend; keeping your relationship to a minimum. Remind yourself that they are human and humans make mistakes. You can’t make a man love you and you can’t stop a friend from falling for a man you love. At the end of the day, love is blind, anything is possible, and some people will be together no matter who they hurt in the process. It looks like they had to go through you to find one another. An awful thought but sometimes the way it works. I discovered the best way to get through situations like this is to accept that they are human and that they followed their gut and this is where it got them. Know that what they did is not the end of the world and you will be a stronger person because of it. This is teaching you to be wise, mature and forgiving. Keep your head held high and remember that, “KARMA IS A BITCH!” They will go through a set of their own ups and downs and who knows, you may have gotten off easy. Trust that there are many people in this world that want love and are willing to work towards a happy healthy relationship. Look for that in your dating life and be patient. You are still young and when the right man comes along he will make you feel like you are the only one. He will adore your child too. Do your best to “let go” of this past hurt so it does not creep up in your next relationship. No future man deserves to be punished and not trusted because this guy you had a child with so early in life let you down. My hope for you is that eventually when they come to terms with what they have done, you will get the apology that you deserve from the both of them.
Asked by How do I Trust?
I am 19 and I have a wonderful 3 year old daughter. The problems started when my daughter was two months old. My sister said my boyfriend, (my daughters father), raped her and she had him deported. I don’t know if it happened or not so I broke up with him and soon after I found a new guy. Well she came to me and told me that she and my boyfriend at the time were having sex. When I confronted him he denied it so I had her and him together and asked again and found out it was true. Me and my sister no longer have any type of relationship but I’m scared to even have another relationship because of these things. I can’t trust anyone anymore. The one person that I trusted with everything, (my sister), let me down. How do I learn to trust again?
Angel's Advice:
This is a sad situation, I can see why you have fears when it comes to trust. It sounds like trusting your sister is out of the question. One thing a sister should never, ever do is sleep with her sister’s man. Unacceptable. Shame on him and her. You and your sister may reconcile and have a relationship in the future but I encourage you to keep your distance. As for the men in your life, you have been burned badly but you are still very young. This is a lot to experience at 19. Part of the reason this seems so serious is because you are not as mature and experienced as you will be in 10-20 years. Most people/relationships get smarter and better over time. People learn and make fewer mistakes. When you’re young, everything seems so important and the mistakes happen because you don’t know any better. As you get older, you make better choices and learn what not to do. Trust is a choice. When you are ready you will choose to trust people and you will do so because you want that same trust in return. It may take a year, it may take 5 years, but when you are ready to trust again you will. When you meet someone who follows through on their words, shows up for you when they say they will, puts effort into knowing you emotionally and intimately, supports you and your choices, is honest about who they are and is willing to put in the effort to make things good - you will find yourself trusting. There are many wonderful people out there. Tons of people like you have been burned and are simply looking for the good life with honesty, respect and maturity. Trust that you will find that and settle for nothing less. I don’t believe you can learn trust, you have to choose it. When you find someone worth giving your trust to, I think you will. Give it time. In the meantime, maybe read some self help books on the trust topic, or seek some therapy to work through any negativity you carry around due to these situations above. The last thing you want is your baggage of mistrust to sabotage your future relationships.
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